Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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