just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
