he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
