Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
