I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
