Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
