The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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