at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
The beer is more important than you right now.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
