sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
