i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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