I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
