He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
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