the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I will pee on everything he values.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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