hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
