Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
