Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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