I wish my penis had an off switch
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
drinking out of a sandbucket again
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Randomize
