Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
