Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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