We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
