If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Ladies don't puke and tell
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
