I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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