I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
