I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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