I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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