Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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