I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
