She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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