I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
