the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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