It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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