There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
