You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
