Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
