my phone needs a breathalizer
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize