just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Hey I don't know if you will get this but all I know is you are so beautiful to .ee and? I dare anyone to stop me me from caring for you ante so beautiful so I kid you not gorgeous iyoiu are so beautiful to me i dare som.eone too stioo you
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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