oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
