Got a toothbrush?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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