Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
