Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
