When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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