She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
