toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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