I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
even my farts smell like vagina
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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