Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I fill condoms, not promises.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
