All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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