So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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