there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
being pregnant is like rehab
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
