I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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