two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
