Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Randomize
