I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I think I just sharted jello shots
PANTIES FOUND
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
