We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
