Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
