before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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