There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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