Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Randomize
