dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Small penises have feelings too.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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