I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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