we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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