He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
A bitchslap is in order.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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