i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Randomize